Sometimes I ever wondered why I can’t live without him.
I’ve tried to fool myselfi saying that even without him, I am living on fine.
Plus, there are so many people out there showering him with all that love. His fans, his friends, his family, his mates, his working partners…
For the months that he travels, we don’t get to meet. We do contact through calls or text messages but it has never been long nor any more in dept than just the casual greetings and asking for each other’s well-being.

I hate the fact that he’s always not around. The feeling of so near yet so far.
I hate it, I know.
Nevermind if he’s someone who doesn’t know me.
Nevermind if he’s not the man I love.
Nevermind if he has not entered my life.

But all these are empty words.

I sent him a text message. “Oppa, days like these I wish you’re beside me.”

Yes, I am getting emotional. It hurts me each time having to know about his news through other people or through news reports. He’s not a 24/7 boyfriend. I know that and I don’t have that expectations of him. But sometimes, it just feels so empty not having him there.

Before he left this time round, he has asked me to look after Jiji for him; fearing that I’d be lonely. He said he would be gone and be busy for at least the next couple of months. I wasn’t prepared to let him go.

I stared at Jiji. “Jiji ahh, what do you think he’s doing at this moment? It’s midnight now. He should be in his hotel resting right?”
Jiji just stared at me and started to walk towards me. I sat, cross-legged, the way he likes it and he settles down on my lap. Jiji has a always like me better than oppa and I am glad I have his company.

My phone started to vibrate and JaeJoong’s name is reflected, the way I had stored in my phone.


“ung…” “did I wake you up?”

“No, I just came out from shower. It was a long day today. I wanted to text and saw your text so I decided to call.”


“I miss you…”

I fall silent at his words. I couldn’t think straight. I feel my eyes teary. Jiji stared up at me and started standing up and stretching his hands up as if wanting a hug. “meow” he said. I hugged him and adjusted my sitting position with my knees to my chest.

“is that Jiji?”

“ung…” “he seems to miss oppa too.”

“I miss him too but with you taking care of him I am 100% at ease.”

I don’t know if he didn’t know that I am feeling a little low today or he’s choosing to ignore it and talking about other things.

“I feel much better hearing your voice.”

“silly… you can always call me.”


“I don’t know what went on today. But if you see what’s on the news, ignore it. Those aren’t true.”


“silly girl…”

“I know. I know…”

I am trying to hold back my tears. But in fact, I had already started weeping.

“I hate you reading those news. But I know it’s always reporting on the papers, the internet and those online sites. baby… you’re always here in my heart; so deep it is irreplacable.”

I could feel his frustrations. Frustrated not at me but at the fact that those news are affecting me this much.

“oppa, i love you.”

I hung up, not wanting to show my weaknesses.


I woke up at the sofa. I thought I forgot what happened last night but it was still fresh in my memory. I hated the fact. Skipping breakfast as usual, I made a fresh cup of morning coffee. It tasted different from the usual. Jiji had come to join me at the seat next to me. I stared at him. He gave me the look that he wants to seat on my lap but I am sitting with my knees touching my chest, making there no space for him to enter.

“I’m not about to move, Jiji ahh… i’m sorry. noona is not in the mood today.”

As if knowing what I said, he settled down in his own chair.
We stayed like this for the next hour or so.


It’s a saturday.
My phone didn’t ring at all the whole day.
Not like I have any date.
Not like I am in any mood to step out.

The television plays on. I stared at it, not knowing what I was watching.
It’s almost 6pm in the evening and I have been at the same spot for the last couple of hours; forcing all thoughts out of my mind and leaving it empty.


“ding dong” The door bell rang.
I didn’t give it a second thought and went to open the door.
I pushed the door out a little and it swung open.
I lifted my chin slightly and before I know it, someone was hugging me.

That hug felt so familar.

I feel my heart beating and me breathing. I remained so until he grabbed my hands and gently push me back a little. He bend down slightly and stared at my face.

He joked, “what is our baby doing she looks so haggard like an ahjuma?”

He started pressing the password for the door and ushered me in when the door unlocked, like it’s his house. He pulled me towards the bathroom and grabbed my clothes from the waredrobe.

“I’m bringing you out.”

30 minutes passed and I’m all ready. Thinking that he would be tired, I offered to take the wheel instead but he rejected saying, “how can I let my woman drive?” I giggled at that. Simple things make me happy.
Or perhaps it was him.

“mart? why a mart?”

“Don’t ask. Just follow.”

We went in. There were glances here and there but he ignored everything. Making it quick, we were out in 30 minutes we a full load of fresh ingredients.

“what’s for dinner’s menu? it’s 8pm already.”

“you want to know?”


“it’s a secret.”

i gave him that “I don’t agree” look. And he ignore. I laughed at that.

He’s back. The Kim JaeJoong I know of. He’s back.


He’s going on a flight back in the afternoon. He has cancelled all his schedule just to come back for a day. For the first time, he allowed me to send him off at the airport.

No one knew he came back. Not even the staff. He came and went back in discreet. I was surprised news didn’t leak out. Maybe the airport staff said something or maybe the air crews or maybe someone on board the same flight. But the airport was busy as usual. No one noticed his arrival. He had done an online check-in so there wasn’t a need to do so over the counter. He arrived just 30 minutes before the flight.

“baby, I’m going in.”

“ung…” I noded.

“I’ll be back once I finish up with things over there.”


He’s already standing at least one arm-length away from me.

“i’m starting to miss you already.”

With that, he hugged me at the airport. It did attract attention and I was being worried about it. I focused around to check if there’s anything unusual but there was none.

“oppa… go… you’re attracting attention.”

“alright. we’ll see each other soon. I’ll call when I reach.” He whispered into my ears.